I had never heard him cry before…. And I hope never to hear it again. There was no easing into this. Like getting hit by a bucket of cold water and getting yanked from your walk of sleep. How can you even prepare? Inexperience is cold and cruel… like a statue, it has no empathy.
Although only 15 seconds or so, it was the longest call I had ever taken… As soon as I picked up I heard his voice trembling and he didn’t need to say a thing, I already knew. “I think she is going… you had better get here…” He could barely get it out. I knew he was trying to be strong, he wanted to be strong… be a man.
Suddenly, my life had been sifted through the finest of filters. On the other end he stood, impatiently waiting to catch me. Infinitely strong, with undeniable authority… his lesson is sharp, hard and cold and will easily cut through the hardest of steel. Wielding the strength of an angel… I can see him frothing at the mouth with unrelenting drive to dole out his cosmically dictated lesson.
Instantly, as if it had been with me all of my life… like the friend who greets me every morning and tucks me in at night, the completeness of knowing that nothing else had ever really mattered became my label, my shame.
The futility of everything we had fought over… every single time I decided to let the call pass without an answer. Every time she needed help and I only offered excuses. No longer would I have the pleasure, the delight of hearing her voice… I would never have the privilege of helping her, comforting her, easing her pain again.
As I look out the window and gaze through the rain I realize that I have become comfortable with my dread. It has been here for too long and for the first time I can hear him off in the distance. No matter how fast I drive, the clopping of the hoofs grow louder and louder. I can’t out run him and he won’t out run me… He has ridden all night, through the storm and with clinical focus he comes. He won’t be stopped until he has fulfilled his duty. Finality has ridden tirelessly, through this driving storm to deliver his message and he won’t be denied…
With the comparable irony of the setting sun, although I hate him I drive relentlessly to meet him. I will not be his companion on his long ride home, not this time… He has come to steal a piece of me, weaken me, leave me unwhole. This will be our first meeting but will not be our last.
I will be there with her… just this one last time I will stand with her, defend her… I will yell and scream fight and battle for her with all of the authority and strength of a wisper. Together we will define futility…
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